Don Quixote- "Sanity may be madness but the maddest of all is to see life as it is and not as it should be."

"Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torments of man." -Friedrich Nietzsche

"Nothing ever goes as you expect. Expect nothing, and you will not be surprised. Expect nothing. Hope for nothing. Nothing." - Lews Therin Kinslayer

"Whether it's impossible or laughable, great men open up paths of battle! If there's a wall, we break it down! If there's no path, we make one with these hands! The heart's magma burns with flames!" Kamina and Simon

"Listen, Simon... don't forget. Believe in yourself. Not you, who believes in me. Not me, who believes in you. Believe in you, who believes in yourself!"  - Kamina

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Above are some of my more favored quotes about hope and willpower.  You'll notice that a few of them contradict some of the others.  I feel that, when presenting an argument, it's necessary to provide information from as many angles as possible to try and show what other view points there may be.  That being said, and with the hope (no pun, I swear!) of not trying to sound like a machine, I'd like to present the argument that hoping isn't a bad thing. 

Now I know that when you read that, you'll think "Of course! Everyone should hope!"  Yet, not everyone does.  I'd say with good reason, too.  When you hope, to me, it means that you are putting yourself and your feelings on the line in an effort to see something come true.  It means that you are willing to sacrifice the betterment of health, your emotions and your genuine well being for a cause that you believe in.  Some have hope in faith, others have hope in their families, still others have hope that perhaps O'bama will win the presidency and others hope that he won't.  I hope that you, whoever you are, read this entire entry and, perhaps, other blog entries and realize that my *true* hope is to "her" back again.  The one that I want. The one that I need.  I also "hope" you agree with any points that I make, but naturally, I realize that some may dissent.

And that's the overall problem with hope.  It could seem that for every individual who hopes for A, whose opposite is B, there is someone who hopes for B.  Maybe there's another man who has a crush on Amanda and he hopes that he can woo her (frankly, I wouldn't know if she's seeing someone or not.  I wonder, sometimes, if she lies to make me feel better.  She did this, once, when we were on a short break up and she went out to date another guy.  She lied to me so I'd feel better, but, I had a horrible feeling about the whole thing and I ended up being right- she was on a date with another guy.)  Maybe her parents don't want me around anymore or, the worst case scenario, maybe she hopes she doesn't have to bother with me ever again. 

When I look at the quotes above I wonder to myself which of them are applicable to folks lives, and which aren't.  The first two that come to mind are the two negative ones.  The second, written by Robert Jordan in his series "The Wheel of Time" was a quote from Lews Therin Kinslayer, an individual who lives reincarnated in the heart of his main character.  Lews Therin is insane, yet often bursts with insights of sanity.  His argument is certainly constructed well enough and he even provides an extra definition for hope; that hope is an expectation of what will be.  Yet, the quote seems to be devoid of a certain spirit that we humans have acclamated to and embraced.  Counter it, for instance, with the quote from Kamina and Simon, which comes from one of my more favorite anime, "Gurren Lagann."  I should rather say that the entire quote is devoid of anything.  That's what it's about.  Nothing.  And nothingness doesn't fill humans.  Depression may, anger may, angst may; but nothingness is rare inside of humans.  I think Dexter is the only individual that I've seen say he's never felt anything, except even in watching that (I realize it's a show, but part of what makes it powerful are its ramifications on what could be true of certain individuals) you realize that he *does* have feelings for people and he doesn't know how to express them.  As such, I can't believe that the analysis that Lews Therin gives is anything but the ramblings of an insane man; and not a brief moment of his sanity.  For what makes us truly powerful is our ability to hope, expect, pray, have faith, and more so, be filled with whatever it is that makes us human. 

Hoping for something that is unlikely is most definitely a war of attrition. The quote from Neietzche characterizes this war well enough, yet, I disagree that it's an evil to experience torment.  Sometimes feeling the lowest that we can feel is often what's best for us. It keeps us aware of how human we are; of what we must endure for what is *right* and *just.*  Just because something is hard to obtain and puts one through torment doesn't mean it's not right, even if it's as if reality is constantly at seige with what should be.  I think that's why I *really* like the quote from Don Quixote.  Yet again, what I believe what "should be" may contradict what she may think "should be."  I can only say that from what we experienced when we were together for the good times was absolutely fantastic; I think she's running from her fears.  Understandably so, though.  I just hope that she turns around to see all that has changed.

The final two quotes are just awesome.  I know they're fragmented but that's because they're translated from Japanese.  When I read them (or hear them in Japanese) they give me a boost of what men (not the gender, the species) should do in order to accomplish their goals.  "If there's a wall, we break it down! If there's no path, we make one with these hands!"  How awesome is that?  I see my own barriers blocking me from what I hope.  I'll break down that wall, and with your help, we will craft a path together!

To anyone who reads this somewhat fragmented message I ask that you at least take one thing away from this; dare to dream and dare to hope.  We are not creatures that are apt to be filled with nothing, and though you may experience torments, what should be in your heart, if what should be is moral, just and righteous, should be in reality as well.  Work on crafting your own path and, if you need help breaking down any walls, ask your friends; that's what we're here for.

To you whom I love- I hope you read this some day and I hope that you realize how much I truly love you.  I won't give up.  I believe in me who believes in myself, that is, I believe in my own strength and I know that through that belief, I can be what you want me to be.

I love you, Amanda.

Yours and only yours,
-Blake

I meant to write this a while ago, actually, the day after we started talking again so that I could remember it.  I know it was around July 4th, though, because the holiday had just ended and I was thinking about you.  I think about you often.  More so than I think about anyone else or anything else in my life.  Mostly because something will happen to me and I'll think, "Man, she would really find that funny."  Or "I bet she would find that cute."  It's very often that I'll go to sleep and you'll be in my dreams; and usually we're like just how we were before.  Spending time together; playing a video game or just being with one another.  I can honestly say that out of 7 nights a week, you're in at least 5-6 nights of dreams.  

This leads me to believe that which is already known by the two of us; you  will eternally be apart of my life whether or not you're actually with me.  I don't think I've had this reaction to any other person in my life.  Not even my family haunt my dreams as often as you do.  I shouldn't say haunt; it's not a bad thing.  I love it.  I love that every time I go to sleep, I can count on an 85 percent chance of you being there.  Maybe more. 

Anyway.  As I mentioned, we've started talking again.  Sort of.  Maybe it's because before we talked non stop, 3-4 hours + a day and now we talk very little, or because I wish I could just speak to you more so that you'll realize how much I miss you, how much I want you, how much I love you and how much I've changed, but to me it feels like we barely talk anymore.  I talked to Amy about this.  Amy is Keegan's fiance.  She's an interesting lady; very much like my sisters in the sense that she doesn't bullshit.  Her and Keegan actually broke up not but a few months ago.  It was a huge deal and Keegan was, obviously, devastated.  He wasn't able to eat or sleep, and I tried my best to make him feel better but nothing I could do would help.  Try feeling that way for 6 months.  Ugh.  Anyway, Amy thinks that the reason why you're so distant is because you *do* still love me, but you feel the only way to get over me completely is to push me away.  That distancing yourself is a defensive mechanism because you don't want to believe that I could ever change, or more importantly, you don't want to risk getting hurt again.  It's almost very economic in the sense that you have to weigh the costs of possible profit with the costs of getting hurt again, and since you and I were so rocky, the cost of getting hurt far outweighs the benefits of what I believe is the truth of things; that if you were to come back to me, you would be treated like you should be.  As a friend, as a lover and as the person who means the world to me.

You do mean the world to me, and, I swear to myself and everything that is Holy that I would do anything to see you come back to my embrace.  Anything.  There isn't a price that's too heavy to pay to see you in my arms again and I mean it.

It was funny.  I was sitting down watching a show with Brandon after getting off the phone with you when he asked who I was talking to.  I mentioned that you and I started talking again, and he said "That's great. How is she? Ask her for me, will you?"  Leigh through out a, "Me, too!"  I smiled and we went on to watch our show.  Then, about an hour later, Brandon says "You know, you told me the full story and I know how much of an asshole you were to her, but, she should give you another chance.  You've really matured since then."  I just... I had to grin.  It made me feel so good inside to know that someone else out there who knows a bit about our story thinks that. 

I know how much I put you through and I wish that all of it could be taken back.  I would turn back time in the blink of an eye if only I could be cuddling with you, in your arms.  I'd turn time back to the day you left and refuse to let you go.  I would hold you, hug you, not let you leave, tell your parents that we're sorry, that I'm sorry, that we made a mistake. 

But, bridges aren't built over a single evening, and I'm going to do my absolute best to show you that I have a strong, solid and firm foundation; and that I'm ready to be the man you want in your life forever. If that takes years; so be it. 

I love you Amanda, and I will always love you. 

Yours and only yours,
Blake

It's been a year and some change since we broke up, but I have to say, the feeling in my heart hasn't died down a single bit. 

I suppose it's easy to say that without taking everything in hindsight; that was always what pissed you off, though.  My inability to actually perceive what had happened in the past, or at least, my ability to ignore it.  It should be known, though, that it's not as if I have ignored the past.  If anything, I've learned and adapted from it.

I remember telling you this and letting you know how badly I wanted another shot at things, and how that attempt resulted in heart ache, a fight, and crying on both of our ends.  The entire situation seems so surreal, though.  I feel as if my life was supposed to have been with you and that by being broken up with you my life has somehow been desynchronized.  Nothing seems right.  Everything seems wrong.  It's weird, really.  I've fought the depression and the loneliness only to find that even when I don't have the two of these I still want to be with you.  Other women seem to look plain; drab even, laughing doesn't have the same effect unless I'm sharing it with you and I still go to bed every night wishing / hoping / praying that you will come back to me.

Without you, I feel as if I'm walking the same path that I have walked a hundred times before.  Lost in the woods with no bread crumbs, my life has gone from a glorious walk in nature, side by side with you, to a nightmare.  When will my heart wake up?  Never; it knows that I am faulted for its pain.

I love you and will always love you.

Yoursonlyyours.

Today's a holiday.  I don't really know how "special" of a holiday it is, per se.  I mean, people look at father's day differently than they do a holiday like Christmas, or Thanksgiving.  Really, outside of calling my father, it has no effect on me... it doesn't mean anything to me.  I think it's because I don't understand it. 

But then, I think about it some more.  I think about what it really means to have a father's day.  It's not just a celebration of life, like for a birthday, but a celebration of being a caregiver for your children, of being a shepard and protecting them from the wolves that prey on them.  Mother's day and father's day go hand in hand because the one that you have had the children with often oversees what the children are doing on that day- it's a way for one another to say, once a year, "thank you for having these children with me.  Thank you for your support, your love and your strength in being a father or a mother.  Thank you for loving my children as I love them.  Thank you for being mine."  Nearly every holiday, with the exception of Halloween, has its history in giving thanks to something, somewhere for some reason. 

Yeah, father's day doesn't really have much of an effect on me.  But you know, I want it to.  Not just because some day I wish to have little tykes of my own, but because I wish to have them with a woman that I love.  A woman that I note will stand behind me through thick and thin, and a woman who cares about me.  Tenderness and strength is what I desire, and tenderness and strength is what *you* have Amanda.  You're both caring, and at the same time, you don't really take a lot of shit.  I respect that.  I respect how you treat others- and not just humans, but animals as well.  You treat them all with a respect that, really, I don't think everything deserves.  Human's at least...

I sit here and think about what today means, and then I think about the future.  Will I ever celebrate father's day for myself?  What will it be like?  I have these thoughts, and I realize, that I want to be with you on those days.  I want to wake up and have you next to me when children run in to wake me up and tell me happy father's day.  I want to be with you for every holiday that I can... and this one holds a bit more respect in it because of its implications of being with you.

I love you Amanda, I love you.  Someday, in the future, we'll be observing today together.  Remember that.

-Blake

"In Biblical Hebrew, the idea of repentance is represented by two verbs: שוב shuv (to return) and נחם nicham (to feel sorrow).


In the New Testament, the word translated as 'repentance' is the Greek word μετάνοια (metanoia), "after/behind one's mind", which is a compound word of the preposition 'meta' (after, with), and the verb 'noeo' (to perceive, to think, the result of perceiving or observing). In this compound word the preposition combines the two meanings of time and change, which may be denoted by 'after' and 'different'; so that the whole compound means: 'to think differently after'. Metanoia is therefore primarily an after-thought, different from the former thought; a change of mind accompanied by regret and change of conduct, "change of mind and heart", or, "change of consciousness".

I've been going around asking people what they feel it means to repent.  Repent, meaning, to fix a grievance that you've created with a friend.  I mean it a little less biblical than the above meanings given by Wikipedia.  More so, I mean that if someone were to truly wrong you, the process they should go through to seek your forgiveness and trust again.  These are a few of the responses I've gotten.

"...to repent, you've got to be genuinely sorry for your actions in the first place. if it's just 'oh crap I may have done something wrong.. oops' then the whole point is null. essentially, you've just got to apologize from the heart and do what you can to both rectify the situation and gain the other person's trust again."

As for seeking trust back - "I'm not sure there's much you can do, other than do anything and everything in your power to not make a mistake like that again."

"...for me repentance addresses the recognition of wrong doing and a resolve to refrain from repeating the same behavior"

One may ask, why are you writing about repenting to another, and about penitence?  I answer- because I seek to be forgiven and I seek to earn the trust back that I have lost from my dearly, beloved Amanda.  I have seen the problems that I have caused, I recognize the problems that I've created between us and the hurt that I've given to her.  I'm genuinely sorry for my actions, and seek to be forgiven in all ways, so that when all is said and done, the two of us can hold each other and never again have to worry about such things happening.

I am yours, only yours, Amanda, and I seek to correct the mistakes I have made in our relationship.  I seek to change what I have done and I will do what needs to be done to ensure that at the end of the day, you're the one that I'm holding.  I love you, Amanda, so much, and I will wipe the window clean so that when the rain finally lets up, we can look at the beautiful days in store for us.

-Kitty